Today is Father's Day. Many are with their loved ones. A chance to be with family. A time to be thankful and spend quality time. Another portrait to the family album. It's nourishing and satisfying. Some are also in the mourning of a loss because it may be the first year, that dad isn't around. For others, this day may not even matter; for some never knew, some never had. What's worse - to know but not have or to never have at all, I always wonder?
I'm office bound on a Sunday afternoon, there's plenty of work. Frankly, if it wasn't for the sprained ankle I would have been at badminton. Notice how I am always running and never staying still. The idea of settling down troubles me, main reason why I have trouble going to bed because it probes my mind to speak to me.
Dad is away. He's been in London and Germany for a month and returning some time next week. Mum has already reminded me earlier about father's day and that I should text him. I told her I will. But the truth is - I don't know what I should say. A cordial wish perhaps? An honest exchange of my feelings? Or take the angle from a supporting and understanding son? I don't know and that's why I don't like to settle my thoughts to let these things come bug me.
By now, you may guess the relationship I have with my father. It's not the most ideal I admit but we do have our great moments. But in truth, there's a burning in the both of us (well more of me I think while he is well, avoiding that piercing fire of mine for he knows). Every year, there's a card written, there is that comfort hug given to him but it's all done in such a non chalant manner to seem like ''it's all cool and it's just another day". We look at each other in the 'chill pill' mode.
It's just so funny that I start making plans when people have replied, "eh..today is father's day lah...hello,come on". Then it hits me, "Oh....yeah".
It's tough for me. What and how I feel about certain issues are kept with me and never expressed to him because I know the heated exchange will just become ever ugly again. Maybe that's why I have moved out. Not because there's a cut off but I think it's because I need this. It could be called avoidance but to some degree, I had enough and I think its just simply better.
I'm really in quite a situation where I'm stuck. I have an emotional attachment to my life here but also a part that is telling me to pack it up and go and build. I struggle because my best mentor and teacher has now somehow become my biggest avoidance. And we both sense it, he wants to teach and I want to learn but there is something in between. As a result, he continues to build for me and my future and leaves me to what I would like to do, and me - continue to stray further. The rope is thinning through that emotional grind, that unsaid in the mind. So I tire and numb myself from day to day to save myself.
The reason why my emotions don't come into play. That is why relationships don't come into the picture for me anymore. The future partner, the marriage - zilch. There, I finally said it. The unsettling of my past has frozen my future. It's probably not an issue of contentment here but resentment. I hate to say it, but it's true.
I was quite geared up for work to push through the day but these waves of thoughts and emotions have been knocking in my head so much recently that I am at loss. Therapy would suggest, why don't you talk to someone? And my answer - what's the point? Other than a listening ear, what else can possibly be done. I have been on a static solo progression since returning to Malaysia - that I have program myself only to equip and prepare for the worst.
I'm sounding like that I don't have the Lord in me. But the real truth of the matter, is that I do. And that is why I'm being real about this. Trust me, and trust Him, I would not be here if it wasn't for Him. My personal dark days are over when I ran from my reality. I'm here now, and that reality hasn't change but God is changing me. And it's a tough process. I choke up. My time at the library with Aunt YK and Uncle HJ are my comfort pillar - they have become spiritual parents to me, to some degree because the have seen me cry and breakdown during those choking moments and they understand and continue to pour out that God is in control.
I did something really different this Sunday morning, I missed church to be at home. To worship in solitude, open his word and be in quiet to pray and read. In the passage of Luke 5 where Jesus cleanses a leper, where after Jesus had conducted the miracle and multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed - Jesus himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed. This indicates that Jesus habitually withdrew for prayer.
And that is what I'm doing.
That is what I should continue to do
Just remember me in your prayers.
The battles are going to be tougher ahead, and I know all my preparation are to no avail because I have carved it out of my own strength and not his. And funny how I continue to reason it out in my heart.
Happy 60th dad. see you next week
Happy Father's Day. Many can be fathers, but it takes someone to be a dad.
I'm my father's son.
Today, I am also His son.
I rest in that promise. But crying helps.
I pray for the day that you'll understand the tears of today (and past) that you'll come from your ways.
I'm office bound on a Sunday afternoon, there's plenty of work. Frankly, if it wasn't for the sprained ankle I would have been at badminton. Notice how I am always running and never staying still. The idea of settling down troubles me, main reason why I have trouble going to bed because it probes my mind to speak to me.
Dad is away. He's been in London and Germany for a month and returning some time next week. Mum has already reminded me earlier about father's day and that I should text him. I told her I will. But the truth is - I don't know what I should say. A cordial wish perhaps? An honest exchange of my feelings? Or take the angle from a supporting and understanding son? I don't know and that's why I don't like to settle my thoughts to let these things come bug me.
By now, you may guess the relationship I have with my father. It's not the most ideal I admit but we do have our great moments. But in truth, there's a burning in the both of us (well more of me I think while he is well, avoiding that piercing fire of mine for he knows). Every year, there's a card written, there is that comfort hug given to him but it's all done in such a non chalant manner to seem like ''it's all cool and it's just another day". We look at each other in the 'chill pill' mode.
It's just so funny that I start making plans when people have replied, "eh..today is father's day lah...hello,come on". Then it hits me, "Oh....yeah".
It's tough for me. What and how I feel about certain issues are kept with me and never expressed to him because I know the heated exchange will just become ever ugly again. Maybe that's why I have moved out. Not because there's a cut off but I think it's because I need this. It could be called avoidance but to some degree, I had enough and I think its just simply better.
I'm really in quite a situation where I'm stuck. I have an emotional attachment to my life here but also a part that is telling me to pack it up and go and build. I struggle because my best mentor and teacher has now somehow become my biggest avoidance. And we both sense it, he wants to teach and I want to learn but there is something in between. As a result, he continues to build for me and my future and leaves me to what I would like to do, and me - continue to stray further. The rope is thinning through that emotional grind, that unsaid in the mind. So I tire and numb myself from day to day to save myself.
The reason why my emotions don't come into play. That is why relationships don't come into the picture for me anymore. The future partner, the marriage - zilch. There, I finally said it. The unsettling of my past has frozen my future. It's probably not an issue of contentment here but resentment. I hate to say it, but it's true.
I was quite geared up for work to push through the day but these waves of thoughts and emotions have been knocking in my head so much recently that I am at loss. Therapy would suggest, why don't you talk to someone? And my answer - what's the point? Other than a listening ear, what else can possibly be done. I have been on a static solo progression since returning to Malaysia - that I have program myself only to equip and prepare for the worst.
I'm sounding like that I don't have the Lord in me. But the real truth of the matter, is that I do. And that is why I'm being real about this. Trust me, and trust Him, I would not be here if it wasn't for Him. My personal dark days are over when I ran from my reality. I'm here now, and that reality hasn't change but God is changing me. And it's a tough process. I choke up. My time at the library with Aunt YK and Uncle HJ are my comfort pillar - they have become spiritual parents to me, to some degree because the have seen me cry and breakdown during those choking moments and they understand and continue to pour out that God is in control.
I did something really different this Sunday morning, I missed church to be at home. To worship in solitude, open his word and be in quiet to pray and read. In the passage of Luke 5 where Jesus cleanses a leper, where after Jesus had conducted the miracle and multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed - Jesus himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed. This indicates that Jesus habitually withdrew for prayer.
And that is what I'm doing.
That is what I should continue to do
Just remember me in your prayers.
The battles are going to be tougher ahead, and I know all my preparation are to no avail because I have carved it out of my own strength and not his. And funny how I continue to reason it out in my heart.
Happy 60th dad. see you next week
Happy Father's Day. Many can be fathers, but it takes someone to be a dad.
I'm my father's son.
Today, I am also His son.
I rest in that promise. But crying helps.
I pray for the day that you'll understand the tears of today (and past) that you'll come from your ways.
i'm a great believer in counseling! it's really helped me work through some thoughts. a listening ear isn't enough. you need someone who is good at it, trained well, who will help you uncover the wrong beliefs you hold to be true.
some things just seem so logical because that's all you know. if you grew up in an environment where you were taught XYZ is correct, it never even occurs to you that XYZ might be wrong and that there are different ways to live your life.
counseling really isn't just about getting a load of your chest. the most useful thing about it is realizing how some of your core beliefs about yourself or the world can be damaging and can really affect your present relationships.
personally, i think secular counselors can help too (if you find one who is well-trained), even though christian counselors may be able to pray with you.
the trick is to find counselors who are wise and who have been taught well. :) i've heard horror stories from some friends.
hey z, it's comforting to know that your words are always an encouragement. You must be the most faithful reader I have and its nice to hear from you.
Again, a lot of good stuff there. I know what u're getting at. Many things have been going on, and its starting to overwhelm me.
I am trying to fight it but it's strong. Yeah, I guess YK and HJ has been the most fitting people for me and I should make some time with them soon.
i hope u are well :)